The faces and injuries change, but the scenarios are always similar. The pet, a frightened or aggressive nightmare. The owner, a timid woman, enveloping the pet in a protective and comforting embrace. The tale of the injury always told to the floor,to the pet, to the wall, but never to my face. The man in the picture is almost always absent from my exam room, but will receive a tearful phone call to beg permission to spend their money for the animal's care.
I once watched the tormented change of countenance as a woman made a decision to cast a leg....knowing that she would take a beating. She was not allowed to spend money. She begged me for alternatives that would allow her beloved pet to heal properly but wouldn't be visible to her husband. Casts are very visible. He would see six weeks worth of dollar signs. Surgery was out of the question. She needed to choose between doing nothing, casting the leg, or surrendering the pet to receive proper care.
An abused woman seldom chooses to surrender her closest friend. One of the few friends who knows the truth. The one who comforts her when she cries. The one who licks her wounds. The only one in the household who offers to protect her.
She endured a beating for her dog.
You may consider it a poor choice. One of many. She loved this dog. Perhaps this pet is the only unconditional love that she will experience until there is change.
There is no denying the connection. People who abuse animals abuse people. Children growing up in households of domestic abuse will abuse animals. Domestic abusers will both threaten and cause harm to the children and animals to maintain control of their victims. Between eighteen to forty-eight percent of abused women will delay leaving an abusive situation out of fear for the pets.
If you are living in this situation, please hear me.
Your abuser WILL NOT change.
He may pay for what he breaks, but it is not out of love.
He may say he is sorry, but he will not remember it come the next round.
Someday you or your pet may lose your life to this man. Sadly, I have seen it. I have been chased out of exam rooms by protective growling guardians. I have attended secret confessions behind these doors. "This dog is the only thing that saved me from him."
As a veterinarian, I can help your pets bones, bruises, and burns to heal. But I can not help you unless you speak up. I can suspect a problem, but the legal and social work system can not come to your aid unless you are willing to admit the problem and take action. When I ask you for a third time how the accident happened.....say the words. My colleagues and I know how to get you the help you seek. We can direct you to well-trained counsellors who can give you and your pet a safe exit strategy. You must speak up! There is nothing we want more than to get you and this pet out of an unsafe environment.
Sadly, I have known of only one woman in my eight years of practice who chose to both speak up and accept help. I hope there were more who took action after we talked. What has happened to the rest of them? Did their pets become causalities of the abusive relationship? Have the women become the casualties?
It is important to me to remind these women what my parents taught me about love. My perspective comes from a christian upbringing. I have read it from Corinthians many times. I hang it on my wall to remind myself how to love.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.Ask yourself, women, does he love you? Do you love yourself?
For me, love is an action. What are his actions? Was it love that brought you into my exam room?
Get out of this relationship.
Seek Love.
The little blond never spoke up. She had no money to repair the leg. The staff and I, all heartbroken by this situation, splinted this leg for her and advised her in how to care for it. She had to have known that we percieved her circumstance. She was grateful for our help.
I carried the little frightened dog back to the exam room. As I walked, I said a little prayer for this little dog and this young woman. God, give her wisdom. Give them protection. Heal them both. And before I handed him back to her, I whispered in little dog's ear, "You take care of her....and bite the hell out of him."
I never saw them again.
Please visit the following links to learn more about the link between animal abuse and domestic violence:
The University of Tennessee's Veterinary Social Work program
http://utcvmfs1.vet.utk.edu/VSW/about/the-link-between-human-and-animal-violdnce.aspx
The Humane Society
http://www.hsus.org/acf/cruelty/publiced/domestic_violence_cruelty.html
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship and ready to seek help:
In Tennessee: http://tcadsv.org/#/find-help/domestic-violence-programs.html
Nationally: http://www.thehotline.org/
Want to know if you are in an abusive relationship? http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm
This is poignant and beautiful, Todd. You have such an amazing and empathetic heart.
ReplyDeleteI think that it is our responsibility to report the abuser. By allowing that dog to go back into that home, you are knowingly sending it back to a situation where it will suffer abuse. I know how I would feel if I found out that my patient, or worse yet, the woman or a child in the family, was harmed or killed at the hands of the abuser. Animal abuse is the "gateway" to human abuse and we are bound to report that. Maybe a visit by a social worker will get the woman beaten...but she is going to get beaten anyway...just for something else. The only way to stop it is to send in someone that can do something if the woman will not.
ReplyDeleteYour compassion is great and I know you do everything you can do to help. Part of that is writing about it. I was in an abusive relationship early in life...ended with him attempting suicide and blaming me...then attacking me, leading up to a death threat. I thought that by the age of 15, when I finally found the strength to break up with him, I would never be in one of those again. Imagine my surprise when I found myself in a relationship with a passive aggressive guy while in vet school....old enough to know better.
With the first guy, if someone had stepped in an arrested this guy, I would have been better off....the school turned a blind eye. My friend from church (who was a senior at the time and going into the marines) had to take him down and dole out some rough justice.
The second guy was a hard to prove...the nature of the passive aggressive; somehow it is always your fault and you end up a spineless mess with no sense of self.
I share those two stories because I have been on both sides of the exam table.
With all due respect to the above poster, as someone who has watched many abusive relationships, I have never seen a woman or man leave an abusive relationship before they were ready. Not when a family member intervenes, not when a friend intervenes, and not when the state intervenes. As you said, you left when you found the strength. Same way an addict quits when they are ready to face the road to recovery, and not a moment before. I am very glad you found that strength twice, I know that must have been very difficult for you. I infer from your comment that you are doing well now, and for that I am grateful.
ReplyDeleteI believe Dr. Dolen's approach was completely correct. All you can do from the outside is offer help, and multiple chances to come clean to someone offering help. The more openings you give for honesty, the more likely you are to get a response. People used to an abusive relationship need to be asked as many times as possible. Living in an abusive relationship means that spirits have been broken, self esteem crushed, trust has been ruined, they are used to screening every word that comes out of their mouth lest they incur wrath, and they are terrified as a state of being. The calm, repeated question of "Tell me the truth, how can I help you?" may be the best way to break down their ill-concieved defenses.
You did everything you could do in that situation, and I hope to God the reason you haven't seen that woman since is because she found the strength to leave because of your compassion. I know that I sought help based upon a very caring ER nurse. I left that ER without being honest, and without a plan........but her kindness and rationality made an impression on me that lead to me choosing an entirely different way to live. She helped me get past the fear and make better choices, and reading this makes me want to find a way to let her know that her compassion wasn't lost, that her human nature made a positive difference. I plan on going back to that ER to thank her in person, or at least leave a note if for some reason I can't ask to see her. She deserves to know that she made a 100% difference in my life.
Your particular client may not have asked for help at the time, but in my heart I hope she was/will be like me........went home, and reevaluated her choices after interacting with a kind human being with a solid gold heart.
Thank you for sharing this story. Thank you for your compassion. I'll never forget this, and what it says about the great range of humanity. This story contains both ends of the spectrum.